Home for the holidays. For many, a welcomed break from the daily grind of work or school. They say: “I canʼt wait to get home.” For others, a stressful and often nightmarish trip. They think: “I canʼt wait til itʼs over.” Members of the second group are often pushed to the limit of their coping skills, experiencing high levels of anxiety, worry and/or depression before, during and after their trip home. Iʼm sure they’d like to get through the visit feeling good (or at least better) about it.

For the purpose of this discussion, Iʼll describe two types of stress - one thatʼs generated externally (from sources outside oneself) and one thatʼs generated internally (from within). While itʼs true that in most stressful situations you canʼt control how others act or speak, you CAN influence how they respond to you. And most important, you CAN have more control over how you respond to their words and actions. The first requires that you respond differently than you usually do when your buttons are pushed. The second requires you to think about and process othersʼ negative words and actions (and your own) differently.

Weʼve all experienced getting bent out of shape (overtly, covertly or both) when someone close to us, especially a family member, pushes our buttons. When you stop to think about it, most negative interactions with people weʼre close with are consistent. We can predict with reasonable certainty that when brother Joe says X, we automatically say Y, which leads Joe to say Z and roll his eyes, which leads us to say A, which leads Joe . . . . And so the pattern goes, each time, closely following a predictable script.

A colleague once made the following observation: “If you always do what youʼve always done, youʼll always get what youʼve always gotten.” In interactions that cause stress, the psychotherapist Bill OʼHanlon suggests in his book to “Do One Thing Different” (his grammar, not mine). By becoming aware of your part in the pattern (i.e., your “scripted” automatic responses), you can decide to respond differently when your buttons are pushed. You can then notice whether your new response makes you feel better and leads to a better response from Joe. If it does, keep doing it. If it doesnʼt, do something differently.

Habits are hard to break, and most people are uncomfortable when patterns are changed. Donʼt assume that Joe will accept your changed response positively and graciously. Your new response may throw him off kilter and lead to his tossing out bait to get you back on script. Donʼt be surprised if his words or actions become more ornery. Donʼt bite. If you bite, he wins, and you wind up feeling even more upset.