The second casualty from a traumatic event is the most intimate relationship. As the psychological symptoms emerge from the victim of cruel experience, the quality of intimacy too often declines. How this happens and what can counter such consequences is the focus of this article.

After experiencing the horrific, an event that breaks through the assumption that our lives and loved ones are safe, people seem to react in relatively predictable ways. Whether they are first responders or victims, soldiers or civilians, bystanders or participants, people feel anxious, upset and shocked in face of unexpected traumatic events. There is nothing particularly unusual or unhealthy about their reactions. In fact, with the everyday support of family, friends, community, and economic resources, the vast majority of people are able to return to normal. The process may not be easy or very quick, but most people return to as good (or as bad) a life as they had prior to the event. Some people even grow after trauma. Sadly, not everyone is so fortunate. While prior life events, the nature of the trauma, age, and other factors may make some people more vulnerable to the impact of trauma, anyone can have difficulty making a psychological adjustment after trauma. It can be something that impacts and even threatens a person’s most intimate relationship. For some, their relationship becomes the collateral damage of trauma.

When we look at the symptoms that characterize the failure to recover from trauma, and see how they play out in real life, the disruption to intimate relationships becomes obvious. The symptoms that can develop months, even years after trauma are grouped under the diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD (DSM –IV). The three main symptom clusters of this diagnosis are hyper-arousal, re-experiencing, and avoiding or numbing of emotions.

What is it like to be with someone who is hyper-aroused, someone overreacting to common stimuli like telephones ringing, bad drivers, and day to day emotional challenges?  Friends, children, in-laws, co-workers, and daily schedules can be challenging in the best of circumstances. What happens when the power of the annoyance is magnified by an emotional and physical state that reflexively boosts annoyed or angry feelings?

It is not easy to feel connected with a partner who is distracted by traumatic  memories that are experienced as real and terrifying in the moment or horrible images that demand consciousness, and intrude involuntarily.  Struggling with the re-experiencing of trauma, many people react by avoiding others.  They especially don’t want their loved ones to see and feel what they have faced, and want to protect their loved ones from those images and feelings. The difficulty is that when people try to protect their partner by avoiding them and facing the impact of trauma alone, they often overlook the one person who wants to be with them.

Consider the impact of numbing on a relationship. How intimate can anyone be to someone who can’t feel?  How difficult is it for someone who wants to feel safe and loved by spouse, child or parent to feel numb rather than safe? When your loved one has been traumatically changed, and he/she can’t tell you about feelings or explain the new world they live in, how do you find a way back to each other? What happens when efforts to comfort and protect are unappreciated, when anxiety is masked with anger and you both fear that you will never find the partner you had? What if you both assume the worst? What if you don’t know that your changed feelings have nothing to do with you, and much more to do with the trauma that one or both of you has faced? The human reaction to trauma disrupts our most precious emotional connections.

We are not helpless to the dilemma of the traumatized mind. The keys to recovery can often be found in the very relationships that have been disrupted. With knowledge about how trauma works its way through our lives, and an appreciation of what we can do for each other, relationships can become stronger.  They can be the bridge from trauma to recovery.

Once a couple understands the impact of trauma and considers their relationship as a source of resiliency and recovery, perspective changes. The symptomatic acting out isn’t seen as a personal attack or rejection.  Hyper-arousal, re-experiencing, or numbed emotions are recognized as the mind and body’s inability to shut off, of ways of coping even when the danger has passed.  Understanding this reduces overreaction and makes the relationship safer for talking about some of what has happened.  Safety can be re-established through understanding and can make relaxation and connection possible. When there is safety, there is greater assurance that reactions won’t hurt anybody.  It becomes less likely that angry words will be responded to with angry words and overreaction. It becomes safer to share, listen, and face a problem together, rather than fight over solutions.

When a couple in the aftermath of trauma becomes able to nurture their relationship, they reduce the feelings of shame and blame. They can usually find a place for trauma’s memories and imprints, and restore the place they had for intimacy, passion, and commitment. While not always easy, if they can trust each other, make sufficient use of other networks of support, and believe in the strengths they share, their relationship will be an invaluable source of resilience. It is a process, a road shared and, in that sharing, there will be healing together.

For more information, see Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress - Paperback  New Harbinger Press (Jan 2, 2009) by Suzanne B. Phillips and Dianne Kane.

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